Understanding Infertility, One Mother's Perspective

Last week, I wrote a blog post titled “Friendship vs. Infertility.” 

Today, I am editing that post. 

If you read my post last week, I am editing my original post for a few reasons.  For one, some people that actually know me well and know the context of my post may have thought I was going through a difficult time in my life right now based on some of the emotion they felt from my post.  This isn’t the case.  Secondly, I came off insensitive to some, including some who may have struggled or currently are struggling with infertility, and that was not my intention.  That being said, some people echoed my sentiments and I actually got some great feedback, even from women that have suffered through the painstaking process of infertility.  However, my intention is not to offend anyone, and if I did, I apologize.

Since I first posted “Friendship vs. Infertility,” I learned a lot about my own ignorance on the topic, as well as a lot about myself and the journey I am currently on in my life. 

I still firmly and fundamentally feel that people’s ‘feelings’ are valid and just because someone doesn’t perceive an issue the same as you may, it doesn’t make your feelings any less valid.  I am however going to address and reframe most of what I wrote with the understanding that some people will still perceive my post negatively and some will not.  I’ve come to terms with that. 

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Friendship vs. Infertility 

Understanding Infertility, One Mother’s Perspective

Recently, I saw the words “I refuse to sink” and it immediately spoke to me.  Not because I’m going through a hard time in my life and feel like I’m sinking, but because in recent months, partially after I lost a friendship late last year, I began doing some cliché soul searching.  I wanted to explore what I was so angry about.  I wanted to figure out why I had so much anxiety leaving Elijah, my almost two-year-old son.  I wanted to spend quality time with the core people in my life – to surround myself with positivity, because obviously losing a friendship isn’t easy.  In my soul searching, I evaluated mistakes I made along the way, not just with friendships that dissipated, but in all aspects of my life.  I wanted to learn from them.  And I refused to sink because of them.  

 

I always knew, as a young girl, a few core things to be true – I wanted to graduate college, I wanted to have a career, and I wanted to be a mother.  That day finally came on my 29^th birthday.  I found out I was pregnant.  I sat in disbelief, after taking multiple tests, and cried.  My husband also cried.  We were surprised but so incredibly happy.  It turned out to the best surprise of our lives.  Being pregnant was an amazing experience and I won’t discredit the gratitude I have for being given this gift by complaining about all the woes you may already have heard about pregnancy.  Yes, it can suck at times, but overall, I can’t complain about what eventually gave me a beautiful and healthy son.  My son was born on our second wedding anniversary – May 23, 2011.  He was perfect but I went through a difficult labor and delivery that resulted in me losing an incredible amount of blood and my son being born breathless.  The long story short, after a week of being in the hospital, we were able to take him home.  And I quickly realized how he forever changed my life.

Something inside of me drastically shifted.  I had given birth to a beautiful little person who needed me more than anyone in the world.  I wanted nothing more to love and provide for him.  So I did.  I made a great many resolutions when Elijah was born – “I’ll take such good care of you!”, “I’ll keep you safe from harm!” – some were more specific, “I’ll breastfeed you for at least six months!”,” I promise to nurture you and give you unconditional love and affection!”

The birth of my first child was a momentous turning point in my life.

“Becoming someone’s mother meant that my role in the world had changed --I wasn't just the same old me trying to be a new, improved version. I was a mother, really and truly and forever, and the question was, what kind of person, what kind of mother, would be reflected in my child's eyes?" 

As a new mother, my thought processes shifted and I began focusing on what became a lengthy period of self-exploration and realization.  I sat and thought of all the things in the world I could do better, in turn setting a better example for my child.  I set goals of being healthier and fitter, and I made small and large changes to my lifestyle.  Things as simple as brushing my teeth at night again, because being lazy and skipping this crucial ritual to grab the bottle of Listerine isn’t setting a good example for my son  Some were larger changes – like cutting people out of my life I no longer felt were benefiting my growth, or influential in my son’s life. 

You fixate your life on being a better person, because it’s the natural progression of being a new parent.

As I grow as a parent, I want my son to think I’m a good person, and not just a good mother, but that I’m honest and honorable, and that the world is somehow a better place because I’m here. So I sit down and have conversations with my almost two-year-old about the beauty of the cultural and linguistic differences we share with our diverse friends and family. I know he doesn't really understand me at this point, but I've already started to instill my values upon him.  And his sweet smile and baby babble makes me feel like he actually does understand.  I give more to charity than I used to and I make more karmic decisions because I don’t want any bad ‘ju-ju’ to bite me, or my child, in the ass.  I sat down and really began to reevaluate my life.  I went from having an abundance of freedom and the ability to get up and go where I pleased, when I pleased to realizing how selfless and sacrificial I had to be in order to be the mother I wanted to be.  And I did just that.  

And I’m the happiest I have ever been in my life.

At the same time, I know that there are many women out there, at this very moment, crying tears of agony for losing another pregnancy while they undergo the painstaking process of infertility.  I know that while I share my joy, someone is wiping tears of grief.  I know that while I rock my son to sleep, another woman is agonizing to have that dream come true one day. It can’t be easy.  It must be excruciating.  I understand.  I may not have walked in your footsteps, but I have enough empathy in my heart, as a woman, and as a mother, to know what it is that you so desperately want and desire.  I understand, with deep sincerity. 

I have known seven women to battle infertility, personally, over the course of five years.  My experiences with each of these women were different, but it was incredibly emotional, frustrating and damaging with one in particular.  I realize now that the breakdown in our friendship wasn’t because of her infertility - it was because of us.  The lack of communication, the misunderstandings and the unwillingness to meet each other half way were ultimately what doomed our friendship.  This was an isolated incident.  An unfortunate incident – as losing a friendship often is – but nonetheless, it was isolated with many factors unrelated to infertility that eventually sealed the fate of two girl friends who once shared so many fond memories together.  I realize my mistakes in the communication failure, yet I also know that what happened with us isn’t a precursor to other friendships I have with women who battle infertility.   

I find solace in that.  I find solace in knowing that I may have failed in this friendship, but I am not a failure.  Life is a lesson.  And I’ve learned mine.

“The situation is like oil and water.  A woman’s inability to conceive is equivalent to that of a death or loss.  Nothing you could every say could lessen her pain; you just support them the best way you can.  And for parenthood, that is the most amazing thing humanly possible.  That being said, the two perspectives just don’t go together.  It’s like oil and water.  Only the strongest of relationships could withstand that type of dissonance” – Anonymous Friend

Being a new mother is challenging in its own retrospect and I think that needs to be acknowledged.  What I have found, in conversations with women battling infertility, and reading various publications, is that women who battle infertility are “constantly grieving the child they believe should be in their arms right now” and subsequently, infertility can be equivalent to death or loss.  Nothing I say could ever really lessen the pain a woman is going through in her journey to create life.  Nothing.  And while I should, as a good friend, support and listen to any friends I have struggling with infertility, I strongly believe that friendships are built on mutual respect, communication and trust.  When one or both people involved break that bond of mutual respect it becomes very difficult to relate to the other person. 

For many women, like myself, infertility is foreign ground. We haven’t had to deal with the painstaking process, and while we can research, review and try to understand the perspective of an ‘infertile,’ we don’t know the firsthand pain dealt with this great loss.  Society reminds us daily how to be good parents by nurturing and loving our children.  With the many messages we see on a daily basis, we are taught to provide our children with stability, substance, and surround them with loving, kind people. Society also does a great job in telling us, if we look, what we should NOT say to a woman who is having difficulty conceiving. What society does a shitty job at doing is telling us what TO SAY to a woman who is battling infertility.  Go ahead, Google it.  You’ll find more on what NOT TO SAY than the more resourceful information on what DO YOU SAY? 

This was an issue for me.  What do I say to a friend who is battling infertility when everything I say or do feels wrong and out of place, specifically coming from me, a mother.  What do you say when you feel like everything you're saying or doing is rebutted with "you'll never understand!" We continue to offer our support, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, even if we know it won't be good enough.  We hide our joy for our babies and don't share as much as we otherwise would, not as a means to alientate our infertile friends, but because no mother wants to continue to contribute to the hurt a friend is feeling. 

When talking to other mom's who have had friends battle infertility, the consensus I've found is, "we're damned if we do, we're damned if we don't."  We have something 'infertiles' want.  Something they want more than anything in the world.  No amount of understanding and support will unconsciously take away that resentment and bitterness an 'infertile' may feel when seeing you with your child.  

It's like 'oil and water.'  

However, I have been doing my own research.  And in doing so, I came across several articles and posts.  Specifically, a blog titled A Blog about Love: Infertility and Friendships that I found had some helpful information in regards to what to say (or not say) to an infertile friend.  What I loved about this was there was also a piece of advice for infertile friends to take into account.  I didn't see that in any of the other articles or blogs I came across.  Again, society was reinforcing the lack of information on what to say to an infertile friend, at the same time providing little insight to 'infertiles' on what it must feel like being a friend trying to offer support.   

A Blog About Love was different and refreshing; here is a bit of what I took from it. (I copied and pasted the tips below - they are not my words)

Here are a few bits of advice for friends who are mothers or who are pregnant:

1.  Realize that women are at many different stages when facing infertility.  There often times are dark stages when women feel much despair and feel on the outside of society - even among friends and family.  Many women get through this time and come to a place of peace.  As a good friend, you could try to be sensitive to the stage one might be in at the time.  You could even ask them directly how they are doing and how much they'd like to talk about what they are facing.

2.  Try not to judge.  An infertile friend might be acting in ways she normally wouldn't (she also may be drugged with hormones).  She may need your patience.

3.  If you are pregnant or a mother - include your infertile friends in conversations that you would naturally want to have with a friend and see how it goes.  Personally, I prefer that friends don't have to walk on eggshells around me.  And as a woman who would love to have kids, I love getting the scoop on motherhood from my friends and often initiate those conversations.  But, if that normal conversation doesn't seem to be going well, you can ask your friend directly if she needs some space from talking about babies.

4.  Respect boundaries, if they arise.  Realize that though you may be very involved in many conversations about her treatments and even dates for big days, there may come a time when you get an abrupt silent treatment and you may feel as though you're no longer privy to the info. Any more.  Most likely, your friend is pregnant.  Or had a miscarriage.  Either way, give it a wee bit of time and play the dance.  Hold back the infertility questions if your friend has pulled back.  Though I'm sure anyone would appreciate someone just checking-in periodically to see how they're doing.

5.  Include your friends in your kids' lives.  I absolutely adore my friends' kids.  But their parents are so sweet and include me in their kids' lives.  It has been such a sweet and generous offer - one of the most beautiful I have ever experienced. 

And here are some bits of advice for infertile friends:

1.  Try not take offense.  May I kindly suggest that most people have good intentions (though their words may come out wrong in the moment when they are nervous about how to act or what to say to a friend who is infertile or they simply do not have the knowledge or experience.)  Also, in many cases, I've noticed that some infertile women take offense to comments by people who don't even know the situation.  I think it's unfair to blame them.  As in all situations in life, taking offense harms you more than it harms another person.

2.  Do not hold a friend's pregnancy or motherhood against them.  There is a huge opportunity here to learn how to replace your jealousy and pain with real love for your friends.  Being able to extend genuine congratulations, happiness and excitement to your pregnant friend is a big deal...but it's possible and worth shooting for.

3.  Look on the bright side of knowing some mothers and pregnant women.  There's a lot to learn (I have learned sooo much!)  Plus, you'll want all those connections someday if you have a child.

4.  Communicate with your friends, as soon as you feel the time is right.  Most women I know have had an immense burden relieved when they have let their closest friends and family know that they are facing infertility.  I highly recommend it.  Also, along the way, feel free to directly tell people if you need some space or if you prefer to not talk about things for a while.

5.  Try to remember that you aren't the only one facing a difficult time.  Your friends - though they have kids - actually may be facing something difficult in their lives and they may need your support, too.  Trials come in all shapes and sizes and they don't come to a halt when someone gets pregnant or has a baby.  In the end, we are all in it together - no matter what we are facing.

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Through it all, I think it’s important for ALL of us – infertile or not – to remember that when it comes to friendship, WE ALL NEED AND WANT TO BE SUPPORTED, ENCOURAGED AND LOVED (refer to number 5 above).  The friend who just became a new mom, she needs support, encouragement and love.  The friend who is battling infertility, she needs support, encouragement and love.  The friend who just lost her mother to breast cancer, she needs support, encouragement and love.  The friend that is going through med-school, she needs support, encouragement and love.  

We ALL need support, encouragement, and love in our lives. 

That being said... 

To the mommies-in-waiting:

You are seen.  I know you are hurting. I know you are sad. I know you are jealous, angry and envious, even if you won’t admit it, and yet you are hopeful and thankful at the same time.  I know this.  I read recently that a “mother becomes a mother long before she holds a child in her arms. From the moment you hope to bring life into this world, you are different. Those dreams change you for the better even when it doesn’t always feel like it.”  Hang in there, mommies-in-waiting! Your day will come and you will be amazing mothers!

To the new moms:

You are seen too.  Being a new mother is challenging.  The sleepless nights, fluctuations in hormones, juggling what feels like a zoo and circus intermingling… it can all be very exhausting.  Hang in there! You are doing an amazing job! You are doing the best you can! Find solace knowing that there is a little person out there who loves you more than you know.  And know that your every nurturing move is building him to become an amazing person. 

Peace and Love,

Naz

DIY - Home Renovations Continue

One of the funnest things about owning your own home is decorating and DIY home renovations, in my opinion.  They can be tiresome to do, but so incredibly rewarding. Especially when you stand back and look at what you may also have designed, and definitely created!

Elijah was born a week after we moved into our first house, so he had little time or money for much else but baby mode.  Initially, while Elijah was only a couple weeks old, my husband and immediate family helped get some intro painting done around the house. A year later, we started finally doing more, and two years later, we finally are closer to actually decorating our home while making more changes.  Our home is pretty new (built in 2005) but needs some updating. We were lucky to have bought the home with nice hardwood floors. But the kitchen cabinet color is too light for my taste- oak or maple, I think. Staining them is our next big DIY project that we will be working on in a couple weeks. Stay tuned for that post!

In the meantime, we painted most of our house.  We started with our family room and kitchen and finally painted the the formal side of our house and hallways. We keep a pool table in our formal living room and don't have a formal dining table of our own in our formal dining room yet.  When we initially painted our kitchen, it was a lighter shade of green, but I ended up not liking it after I painted the formal side of our home a deep red and light brown/tan color.  The kitchen is now painted a complimenting shade of brown/tan as other parts of the house.

I can't wait to finish the rest of the house - guest bedroom, office, master bedroom and bathrooms.  But those projects will be in a few months. I'm mostly interested in finishing the formal side of our house so I can start to decorate, finally! I can't believe we've lived in our house for 2 years and still haven't hung up pictures! A testament to how anal I am and how I want things planned out rather than moved around here and there. 

I have a bazillion ideas and projects twirling around in my head. Many of them I've pinned on pinterest.  Follow me here!  I lose sleep thinking about it. While they sleep, I surf the Internet looking for more ideas, online shopping, and planning! Decorating for me is like a child going to disneyland.  In my secret life I would've gone to fashion/interior design school and had my own home show on HGTV or the DIY Network.  In my other life I suppose.

Here is some of our progress: 

This is the view of the inside of our house from the front door.  Here you are looking down the hallway from the front door.  To the left, through the openings, is the formal living room and dining rooms.  Straight ahead, you can see the light green in our kitchen that I ended up changing to the same shade of brown above the red that you can see here on the left.  The kitchen turned out much nicer and not so "Christmasy" once I added the deep red and got rid of the green!  The lighting in this picture isn't the best to show the shade of brown that is actually in this hallway.  It looks like it has a yellow-tone in this picture, but it doesn't - that's just the lighting.  You can see in this picture that our house is barely furnished two years later.  Mostly because the things I want are expensive and one of the great joys of homeownership, unless you've got unlimited funds, is to decorate here and there on a budget.  "Great joys" in that last sentence was used with sarcasm. Of course I wish I could do everything all at once! But I'm grateful for what I have and I do what I can when I can. 

This picture is the same hallway but from the other end of the previous picture, standing in the opening before the once green painted kitchen and look at the front door.  You can clearly see the deep red panels I painted in the inlets of our hallway, which is the same deep red I used in the adjacent formal living and dining rooms on the bottom half of those walls.  You can see that a little bit in the previous picture and clearly in the next picture.  I love this deep red - I think it was called Ruby Red.  We got it from Home Depot. It looks much prettier in person than in this lighting.  Honestly.  We get compliments all the time about our bold pop of color! 

The red inlets are reserved for projects I have in mind.  In the large red inlet nearest you when viewing this picture, I am going to add a wall collage.  I'm so excited about it too! I've started slowly collecting different frames, and pieces of art for it! I've also been keeping an eye out for a bench to add in front of my wall collage and large vases as accents on each (or one) side of the bench I plan on purchasing.  

My pinspiration has been the following:

Lastly, here is a picture of the formal living and dining rooms (As I mentioned previously, we keep a pool table in our formal living room) - we figure we're young, fun and like to entertain. We'd get more use out of a fun place to play pool and hang with friends than a formal sitting area at this point in our lives :) 

Sorry the picture quality is kind of shitty.  But as you can see, we painted a pretty brown shade on the top half of these joining rooms and seperated it with a chair rail.  Chair rails, like crown molding, require precision mitter cuts.  Do your research, and get help if you try to do something similar! In general, it's a total DIY project that can be easily done and adds a TON of character to your space! We LOVE the result! 

Don't mind the ladder, and hand-me-down dining table.  That table is not staying. I actually have my eye on a  dining table more suited to our taste for this space.  Also, the shade of brown here is the same one we replaced the green with in the kitchen.  

I can't wait until everything is done in these rooms, and the adjoining hallway! I'm ordering faux silk curtains in a matching shade of deep red for these rooms; our friend is working on a beautiful painting for us to go on the large wall parallel to the pool table; I'm buying an upright piano to go against one of the walls, and hanging pictures, art and instruments.  It's going to be lovely once it's complete and a total reflection of who we are! 

Stay tuned for updates and additonal home reno projects - including our DIY Kitchen Cabinets Makeover (we're staining them)!!! 

Healthy Eating

I've been trying to eat healthy & prepare more meals at home.
I kinda fell off track with my Sunday meal prepping, which when I do, I cook enough to last mid-week at a minimum.
Although I've slacked off a bit on meal prepping, I am trying to get back into.
I know for me, weight loss is going to be slow and steady.
And I've made peace with that.
I am not looking to diet - I have to keep reminding myself that.
I want to make a lifestyle change, which means I want to be able to enjoy foods and drinks as long as I understand what I want in the long run: to live a healthy and happy life.  

In between meal prepping, I tried out some yummy, healthy recipes. Some meals I just whipped together myself using healthy ingredients I had around the kitchen. I like to cook like that - a dash of this, a pinch of that.  I often tweak recipes with a lil' this and a lil' that.

Here are a few things I tried over the last couple of weeks: 

Garlic Cajun Shrimp

I whipped this together with a few things I had in the fridge! 

Here's what you'll need

• Shrimp (I like to get shelled shrimp and peel some of the shells off & leave some as is). I used about a pound. 
• 1 Sliced Onion
• 1 Red or green bell peppers (I used one large red bell pepper sliced) 
• 1 Squash or zucchini (I used 1 medium sized green squash sliced)
• Minced garlic (We use garlic everyday, so we mince a lot and put it into a glass jar in our fridge.  We often mince red peppers into the blender with the garlic - but not too much or it's too spicy for Elijah) 
• Cajun seasoning. (I used Old Bay's Seasoning.  It's one of my favorites!)
• Sea Salt

Here's what you do! 

In a large pan, heat some oil (I often use canola, sunflower or olive oil).  Once oil is nice and warm, add sliced onions to lightly brown. Once lightly browned, add minced garlic and stir together.  Everything at this point will be added simultaneously. Shrimp cooks VERY fast so you don't want to waste too much time in between adding the shrimp and veggies or your shrimp will shrivel up and your veggies will be mushy.  Add all the shrimp, bell pepper, squash or zucchini into the pan.  Stir.  Sprinkle cajun seasoning on top of everything. Stir somemore.  Sprinkle sea salt on top of everything. Stir again.  Put heat to medium-low and let it simmer and cook.  Check back in 5 minutes and stir again.  It'll be nearing done at about 10 minutes.  But watch it closely during that time.  

And VOILA! You have a delish, healthy and quick meal for dinner! 

This can be eaten with so much! Whole wheat pasta (or spaghetti squash), brown rice, quinoa, or alone! We ate ours with a side of brown rice and corn on the cob - which I boiled and put a lil' bit of real butter on.

This was a HIT in my house.  Elijah ate this up so quickly! He loves shrimp and definitely loved this recipe :)

Banana Granola Honey Nut Muffins

It was a nice weekend to be home.  The weather was pretty Saturday morning on May 4th.  I felt like baking something, and noticed we had a few oh-too-ripe bananas laying around PLUS, I had just bought muffin pans (FINALLY) so that I could make turkey meat balls in them as part of my meal prepping. 

SIDENOTE: A friend of mine posts her healthy and clean eating recipes, amongst other things, and I got the idea from her to make meat balls as your protein for your work-week prepped meals.  Instead of eating a three ounce portion of chicken breast, you could have two or three meat balls (depending on the size) and mix it up a bit!  

With my newly purchased muffin pans, and ripe bananas in the kitchen, I decided to whip up a breakfast muffin with what I had laying around! Plus, I don't know about you, but I LOVE muffins.  The problem is, they are often very high in hidden calories, which is why I rarely every buy one. Why not make them so you can control what's in them (and subsequently how many calories are in them)!

**I did not feel like getting dressed and to the store for healthier alternatives in some instances, although I will for the next time I make these delicious treats!**

What I used:

• Two ripe bananas smashed. 
• Granola (I actually used Cashew Clusters with almonds and pumpkin seeds from Costco - they are a DELISH snack and also yummy to add to recipes)! I used a handful that I broke up into small chunks. 
• Honey (whatever your preference is - I use an organic honey from Sprouts) 
• All Purpose Flour (It's what we had)
• 2 tbsp's Baking Powder 
• 2 tbsp's butter (I used I Can't Believe It's Not Butter). 
• 1 cup white suger (I know, I know - bad Naz!) 
• Pinch of sea salt
• 1 egg (or egg whites) 

What I'll be using next time:

• All Purpose Flour - Next time, I'm going to buy a whole wheat or gluten free flour for this recipe and make it healthier. Muffins can be dangerously high in calories if you're not careful with healthy substitutes! 
• So I splurged with the white sugar the last time I made these yummy muffins.  I justified this because I hardly ever eat muffins (or anything sweet). BUT, next time, I will use far less sugar and instead use brown sugar or agave nectar.  

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Spray muffin tins with non-stick cooking spray. 
2. In a large bowl, beat egg, and stir in smashed bananas, sugar, and butter. 
3. Add flour, baking powder and salt.  Stirring just until combined. Stir in granola. Fill muffin pan cups 2/3 full.
4. Bake for about 20 to 25 minutes, or until tops are lightly browned. Check center of muffins with toothpick! No batter should stick to your tooth pick when you pull it out! 
5. Remove muffins from pan and enjoy! 

Meal Prepping

In an effort to get on track with my health & fitness goals, I have been off and on meal prepping - preparing enough food on Sundays (or Mondays) to last through the middle or end of the work week.  My staple (because it's easy, healthy and tastes good) is baked chicken, a veggie side, and black beans.  

This Monday, I decided to be a little more flavorful in my staple prepped meal.  I seasoned the baked chicken as I usually do - lightly marinated in minced garlic, sea salt, and sprinkled with Italian & Lemon Pepper seasoning.  I baked it for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.  Then I made my black beans on the stovetop like usual (in a little canola or olive oil, with grilled onions), but this time I decided to add turkey chili and give it a black bean chili twist.  Still healthy & tastes delish! I did cheat and just use a can of low calorie, low sodium turkey chili though - nothing fancy!  Then I grilled up some kale with minced garlic and onions seasoned with a little sea salt and lemon pepper.  

Everything turned out delish and will last us through Wednesday or Thursday for dinner! I made a little extra chicken to cut up into our salads for lunch too! 

Other Great Finds

Here are a few other great food finds I wanted to share with you!

Hemp Hearts: Raw Shelled Hemp Seeds. To learn more about the benefits of Hemp Hearts, go here. I bought these at Sprouts and like to sprinkle some onto my oatmeal. You can use them in pretty much anything! They don't have much of a taste, but are packed with nutrition! 

                                                                                                                                      Cashew Clusters.   I used these in my Banana Granola Honey Nut Muffins recipe above, and bought them at Costco! They are a delish healthy snack! But they are addicting, so I pack 4 or 5 pieces only in a zip lock bag and take it to work, otherwise I would eat way more than I should. They're that good! 

Lastly, for now... 

Brown Rice Protein Powder.  I bought this at Sprouts in my attempt to move away from Whey protein powder (i.e.: My Muscle Milk Protein Powder that I have been using for a long time).  It was kind of expensive, in my opinion, but the more affordable one out of the various brown rice protein powders they had. From my research, whey is actually not that great for you, especially for women.  I'm not going to try to sway you one way or the other - do your own research before deciding on a protein powder for yourself. I am by NO means, a doctor. 

I liked this Brown Rice Protein Powder (picture above) - Chocolate Protein Energizer, but am more interested in an Organic, Gluten-Free, Raw, Vegan, Non-GMO, Kosher, Non-Fat, Low in Sodium, and Free of Sugar, Dairy, Lactose, Cholesterol, Soy, Corn, Wheat and Allergens protein powder, which I found through the Tone It Up (TIU) personal trainers I follow.  Unfortunately, it is always out of stock or on back order.  I saw that it was in stock just today, so I'm going to order some asap! To learn more about Perfect Fit Protein Powder from the TIU Fitness Trainers I follow, please visit here: Perfect Fit Protein Powder. On a side note, the TIU Trainers are amazing! They post fitness videos you can follow on their website or youtube for FREE.  You can go at your own pace, at home - and the results from their amazing moves are no joke! Check them out on youtube here: Tone It Up!

You're not a terrible parent.

I think I've known I wanted to be a mother, pretty much all my life.  I've always wanted two or three children.  I've always known I would be fully involved and eventually become a working soccer mom. I've always loved the idea of being an involved parent or "soccer mom."  Someone who knows her children's friends, participates in their extracurricular activities, and is a part of their daily life.  These are things I look forward to as my son grows up and we plan on other children.

Currently, we have one - an almost two year old boy.  I enjoy spending time with my son; watching him grow, seeing him evolve.  It's all very interesting (he does something new every day!), and rewarding.  It can also be very tiresome.  Although I feel pretty lucky to have a healthy, happy, usually obedient toddler - sometimes, he can be exhausting.

After a long, fun, and tiring family filled weekend, I'm back to work.  Sometimes work seems like the place you go to take a break.  And I guess in some ways, it is.  While 'taking a break' from home life, I came across a great article titled To parents of small children: Let me be the one who says it out loud.  In the article, a Pastor talks about this experience with his three small boys. The best part is when he says: 

Let me be the one who says the following things out loud: 

You are not a terrible parent if you can’t figure out a way for your children to eat as healthy as your friend’s children do. She’s obviously using a bizarre and probably illegal form of hypnotism. 

You are not a terrible parent if you yell at your kids sometimes. You have little dictators living in your house. If someone else talked to you like that, they’d be put in prison. 

You are not a terrible parent if you can’t figure out how to calmly give them appropriate consequences in real time for every single act of terrorism that they so creatively devise. 

You are not a terrible parent if you’d rather be at work. 

You are not a terrible parent if you just can’t wait for them to go to bed. 

You are not a terrible parent if the sound of their voices sometimes makes you want to drink and never stop. 

You’re not a terrible parent.

Oh how I can relate! Those slobbery kisses, that infectious laugh, all the endless hugs and cuddles - the "see ya mom!" and "I love you"'s never get old.  But the crying battles and tantrum fits can be exhausting.  Oh how I can relate.

I guess what was most powerful for me is knowing I'm not alone. I know I'm a good mom. A damn good mom.  I'm very involved in my son's life and I strongly believe in the nurturing parenting principles (lots of encouragement, praise and positive discipline).  I strongly believe in having respect when disciplining and expecting respect back.  But there are times when EVERY parent can't help but feel terrible for yelling at their child who just pulled on their last nerve.  Or the mom who feels guilty for wanting to go to work or looking forward to their child's bedtime (sometimes it's the ONLY time we have to unwind).  I know the moms (and dads) I know have been through this.  I also know they are trying their best.  And sometimes, that's all we can do.

At the park with our lil' one.
My husband snapped a photo of us sharing ice cream & laughs in the sunshine!

End rant.

Sometimes I wish I could time warp to when I was a child & had no worries & responsibilities.

Today was exhausting.

When one full time job ends, the other starts up again. Being a working mom is a lot of work. Don't get me wrong, it's very rewarding also. I know and appreciate that. But it is also very exhausting at times. Today was one instance. Or many instances, actually.

I woke up and worked out, which took some effort since Aunt Flo decided to visit. But I got in a good cardio session before I took a shower and got ready. Made Eju a bottle, fed the dog, and said bye to my husband and son, to head off to work - all day (it felt like forever). It was a busy day and I'm working on a few big projects. Nine hours later, I came home to a fussy toddler. The evening then started and I ended up at my parents to pick up a few things. With a fussy toddler in tote. I ended up staying a couple hours; feeding the kids (my son and nieces), eating myself (thank God), helping Laila (my eldest niece) with her homework, etc. Finally I get home, but immediately start cleaning the kitchen, bathing Eju, and putting him to bed with a freshly cleaned bottle. It felt like it had been forever when I finally sat down. My husband had to work late tonight so it was single mom status. 

It's been a long day. Since 4:30am, in fact. Too bad if I want to be up that early again, I have to turn around and go to sleep.

For now, I'm going sit in my garage; where I'm shielded from the gusts of wind, but able to enjoy the sounds, cool air, and dark skies.

Good night.

Disciplining a Toddler: Timeouts?

I came across a Facebook post linked to an article on timeouts and if they were effective or "messing up kids."  The article made some great points (click the link above to read it in full).

I specifically agree with Edward Christophersen, a psychologist and pediatrician at Children’s Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, Mo., and the author of Beyond Discipline: Parenting That Lasts a Lifetime.  

"Timeouts don’t work very well, if you haven’t created a richly positive environment for your child.  In other words, “it's the effort parents put into time-in that determines whether or not timeout works,” Christophersen says, so when parents and teachers categorically state that timeouts don’t work with their kids, it can be a warning sign of more serious problems in the home or school environment. If you rarely praise, hug, or interact positively with little Sammy, then acting up may be the only way he can get your attention, and for a kid, negative attention (such as when parents get mad) is better than no attention. 

Agree 100%.

As a parent, we feel we have effectively incorporated timeouts for our almost-two-year-old son, Elijah.  However, we also VERY often praise, hug and kiss, and positively interact with him.  He does not feel 'punished' or 'abandoned' when we do give him timeouts.  What I have noticed is how INEFFECTIVE spanking is for our son.  While I know some parents are adamantly opposed to spanking, and others are for it, I would be lying if I said we never lightly spanked Elijah's bottom or hand, although it rarely happens.  I was not exactly for "spanking" but also grew up in a time where corporal punishment was normal (especially in my ethno-traditional Indian upbringing).  That being said, I remember how much I HATED my parents for spanking me and told myself I didn't want to parent this way.  I did not want my son to hate me because of the forms of punishment he received.  I realize that some of the techniques used on me did have negative consequences (i.e.: feeling hatred toward the two people I should never feel hatred towards, my parents).  Of course, that time passed and I feel nothing but love and admiration for my parents now that I am an adult and a parent myself.  Nevertheless, I still remember that "feeling" stemmed from the corporal punishment I received. 

Thankfully, I received a lot of training on early childhood education and parenting through the agency I was previously employed with.  I feel I truly learned the benefits of "nurturing parenting" principles stemmed around positive interaction, speaking to Elijah like an adult, getting down to his level to speak to him (especially when a more authoritative voice is needed) and always loving and praising him.  This approach has worked WONDERS for us.  We do not feel like we are dealing with "the terrible two's" we hear so often about.  Our son is actually far from "terrible" although he is just about two years old.

I strongly believe that the nurturing parenting techniques, as well as effective and age appropriate timeouts, work wonders.  Elijah HATES time out (which for us is removing him from his current surrounding to a quiet corner in the house).  We do not put him there and just "abandon" him.  We get down to his level, explain calmly what he did and why he is there and give him a specified time limit.  He usually throws a fit for a few seconds, but I have noticed if I speak to him like an adult, he gets it more than if I were to be frustrated and yell at him.  In the end, he does not like the idea of timeout, so often he knows what he should not do to end up in timeout.  In his head, I see him thinking, "I shouldn't do that, or I'll be in timeout."  Which to me, speaks volumes in that he is getting the concept and understanding the cause and effect around his behavior resulting in a positive learning experience for him.

In the end, I am ALL for nurturing parenting and effective, age appropriate time outs.  Children need discipline and structure, but they also need love, praise and nurturing.

What techniques do you use when applying discipline to your child?  Has it been effective?

I strongly urge parents to look into the "nurturing parenting" techniques and would be happy to elaborate more about what I learned in regards to these principles.

Battling Soap Scum

I'm an adult.
I'm excited about an interesting concoction of a soap scum killer I found on Pinterest!
Crazy.

Nonetheless, the concoction seems to be great as it got a lot of great reviews. I am in the process of trying it for the first time myself. It's pretty simple really. You mix equal parts dawn soap and warmed white vinegar, put it into a spray bottle and voila! I sprayed my master bathroom shower which is plagued with soap scum (I haaaaaate it)! No matter how much I scrub and clean, the marks don't go away! I hope this works. Will update tomorrow once I let it soak over night and scrub tomorrow.

To view the whole concoction go From the Heart's Blog titled DIY Soap Scum Killer.

You can find me on Pinterest too! Follow me here!

UPDATE:
I'm a couple weeks late updating you on my experience using the Soap Scum Killer - sorry! It turns out, it worked pretty well.  But I can't say that it was a God send, like the 'pin' claims.  It did get out a good layer, or two, of soap scum, but mine must have had years worth of buildup - I think the previous owners of our house just neglected their bathroom glass doors.  However, I found that it did help get rid of a lot of the soap scum, but not entirely.  I think I'll have to repeat this cycle 3 or 4 times to get all the soap scum out. I'll update again after I've given it a few more tries!

*Picture from From the Heart's post!

Rememberance.

When I die, I want to leave a good impression in this world.

I don't have to be popular.
I don't have to be rich or famous.

I just want to know I've contributed to society in some way.
That I've helped people.
That when I look back at my life, I remember how I touched even one persons life.
And hopefully many more; directly and indirectly.

Until then, I just want to live a long and happy life.
That's all I want.

Good night.

Updates

It’s been a little over a month since I’ve blogged.  My last entry on March 4^th ended with an epiphany in which I realized I had become too engulfed in social media and stopped living.  Since then, I made some changes and as part of that, I refrained from blogging.  I just wanted to live. And so I did. 

Even though it’s only been a little over a month, soooooo much has happened in that time.

Since then, I left a job I had been at for almost a year at a State department and moved over to a State department more in line with my passions: helping people.  With a sociology background, and the stability of the State, I really wanted to get into a department more aligned with my passions.  I left the Department of Boating and Waterways (DBW) for the Department of Social Services (DSS) in the middle of March.  It was a big move.  I learned a lot at the DBW and also made some great friends.  But it was time for me to go.  With a merger in place at DBW with the Department of Parks and Recreation, I felt this was the best time to transition out.  Joining DSS meant working in a department closely related to my educational background: Sociology.  I was so incredibly excited! So far, it’s been going pretty smoothly.  A little slow to start, but good nonetheless.  I hate being the new girl, but it comes with the territory.  I’m finally starting to make ‘friends’ and get a more concrete feeling that I belong here.  I see myself being here awhile so it’s important to me that I build lasting relationships with staff here.  That being said, I feel working here will be a challenge and a definite learning experience.  I knew my direct supervisor and I would click and so far that is true to fact.  She is my age, her managing philosophies mirror what mine would be, and we have a lot in common. I foresee a friendship continuing to form. 

A new job isn’t the only change since I logged off on March 4^th.  My parents have been traveling to the Middle East the past few weeks.  They finally return in a week’s time.  It’s insane how much I have missed them.  As we get older, the roles definitely reverse; this is common in my culture.  I can’t help but worry about my parents and want to check in.  They raised us for so long and protected us from the evil in the world and now that we are adults, it feels like our job to do the same for them.  With that, for me comes anxiety.  I have suffered with anxiety for some time now.  Yesterday, I felt a mini-panic attack approaching.  No one had heard from my parents in 5 days now.  Their sim card had expired so we had no way to call their cell phones until they purchased and installed a new sim card.  They were not responding to emails (or not checking their emails), they hadn’t uploaded new pictures on Facebook since before those 5 days; I was starting to worry.  Sunday morning, I felt a lot of anxiety coming on and so I put on my private eye hat and got to work.  Long story short, I tracked down my parents, with a lot of panic and tears in between, and was able to speak to my mom.  Their having fun, but she’s exhausted, has a cough/sore throat, and is ready to come home.  I think they over compensated and planned one too many events to check out.  I keep reminding my mother that she’s not the peppy 50 year-old anymore she once was; she’s 67.  Thankfully, they only have one week left. I can’t wait to see them!

My car accident case from when I was 5 months pregnant is finally coming to a close.  We had arbitration recently and a settlement was offered.  I still need to finalize the details with my attorney, but I am just happy this whole process is almost over! It has been a loooooong 2 years.

I’m also excited that we are getting to a position where we can work on things for our home.  I think some of our first big projects as we resume Project House to Home will be crown molding and staining the kitchen cabinets/bathroom cabinets.  I can’t wait! I’m also busy picking out pieces of furniture.  I know it will be a process but I’m excited J

These are only some of the changes I’ve been going through in just a month.  I’ve also been continuing to build a healthy lifestyle by eating lean, clean and green while also exercising and keeping up the workouts.  I’ve noticed some major changes in my body – my ass is amazing! ;) Hahaha!

Life with Elijah is as always, going amazingly! He brings me more joy then I could have ever imagined!          

From Drug Store to Designer

Thanks to my long time friend, Sabreena, a hair stylist, make-up artist and fashionista, I was introduced to Polish and Pout, a blog by a make-up artist named Jess (she's also on Pinterest and Instagram). Sabreena knows her personally, whereas I was just introduced to her websites.  Thank God for that, because Jess is amazing! She shares all her great makeup finds - some designer brands and some from your neighborhood drugstore! I love designer makeup (who doesn't???).  I can feel the difference of the higher quality ingredients - not to mention designer makeup tends to last longer on my face (generally that's the case with most people).  That being said, I also believe that some designer makeup is overpriced simply because it is name brand. Kind of like that stupid $50 white tee-shirt at Gap.

Because of Sabreena, I discovered a great concealer for my hideously dark under eye circles, which Sabreena rightfully refers to as "the Indian curse." True. Indian women, generally, have dark pigmentation under their eyes and it results into the most unsightly dark under eye circles.  It sucks. I love my skin otherwise, and I like to say that I have the confidence of a Queen, but dark under eye circles would be my number one insecurity.

Here is the amazing drug store concealer I found through Sabreena. It's by Maybelline:

Sabreena suggested you use the neutralizer first and then the concealer (the bottle for the concealer has the same look to it, but you would buy it in a more comparable color for your skin tone whereas the neutralizer comes in one shade suits all).  It is suggested that the neutralizer be applied first and that by doing so, it helps aid seriously dark under eye circles.  I used both the neutralizer and the concealer and love them! It truly has worked better than the dozen designer brand concealers I've tried. And I truly have tried many - from MAC, to Dior, to Shieseido and many, many more!

Through Polish and Pout, I discovered Loreal's Voluminous False Fiber mascara.  It works pretty well.  I do have to say that I will always be a fan of Dior's Diorshow mascara, which is a designer brand, although there are comparable drug store brands that I never thought could be possible.

Inspired by Polish and Pout, I also decided to give a drug store liquid liner a try. It wasn't the same one Polish & Pout recommended, but I was feeling a little daring after all her great drug store finds that I thought I would give Maybelline's Master Precise liquid liner a shot.  So far today, it has worn pretty well. 

Today after work, I'm going to purchase a lighter shade foundation because my friend Rukhsana, who is also a hair and makeup artist (and coincidentally did my hair and makeup for my wedding) told me that my foundation is too dark for me. While she was threading my eyebrows  she said that my chest area was about 1-2 shades lighter than my face. Eeek! Nobody wants that! So off to Macy's after work I go! While I liked Polish & Pout's recommendations for Dior foundation and Makeup Forever's HD foundation (I've already tried Makeup Forever's HD), I think I'll stick to Rukhsana's recommendation on a specific color at MAC (I've been using MAC's foundation for awhile now) but will go for a shade or two lighter per her recommendation.

Here I am, this morning, showing off my super long lashes coated with Loreal's False Fiber Mascara (ahem, yes my lashes are real)

The Maybelline liner I recently bought went on easily (I love the pen style liners) and you can see the effect of the False Fiber mascara again here. 

If you were like me, afraid to try much of any drug store makeup, rest assured there are great products out there... but beware that there are also some crappy ones too! It's all about trial and error! And what working momma on the go can't use some helpful recommendations to make her searches that much easier? I'm super thankful for friends who are professionals in the field and being able to network with their friends! 

Follow Polish and Pout for some great recommendations on both DESIGNER and DRUG STORE makeup finds!

I wish Sabreena would start a blog too, she'd be amazing to follow also!!!