Ever get annoyed when people tell you that you have no idea what having a child
is like until you actually have one? You've raised many nieces and nephews,
grown up around dozens of cousins younger than you, you've changed your share
of diapers, you're no virgin to the department of babysitting... you know
what's up, so of course it's annoying when someone tells you that you won't reallllllllllllllllllllllly know
until you have a child yourself. It's like Mackenzie said (more
on who Mackenzie is, in a moment),
Sure I did. Who doesn't know that although kids are cute,
they are also a lot of work? That's why you get a dog to practice before having
a kid. Like, duh.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Mackenzie is a mom of three children and a wife. She is also
a freelance editor and has a great blog, Raising Wild
Things, although I found Mackenzie's words of wisdom on another
blog, Scary
Mommy - A Parenting Community For Imperfect
Parents.
In her blog post, 10 Things You Don't Know About Kids Until You Have Kids,
Mackenzie does what some of us parents have failed at - being brutally
honest to our non-parent friends. There have been a million times I
wanted to tell someone something other than the obligatory "your
life is going to change for the better," but it's almost too
difficult. And to be honest, it doesn't feel 'normal' to tell first time
parents, or friends wanting to have children, that it's actually a lot scarier,
dirtier, and harder than they will ever truly understand until they physically
have children. Many people don't take that well either. Some take
it as a jab, that they are incapable of knowing something purely because they
haven't experienced it.
The truth is, that's just the way it is.
You won't truly know what it's like to be a parent, until you are
one. You won't truly know all about kids until you have one - and even then,
they are a mystery.
Not that
anyone asked, but if I were going to give advice to first-time parents, I
wouldn’t just state the obvious about their life changing forever. That’s not
helpful. Kids are a lot of work, yadda, yadda, yadda. Instead, I’d sit them
down in comfy chairs, hand them a beer or glass of wine, and break it down for
them all realistic-style. Ok, let’s get to it…
Mackenzie went on to list a very HONEST list of what she considers
are the 10 Things You Don't Know About Kids Until You Have Kids. Read the
full post here. I've also listed her 10 points
below... verbatum.
#1: Kids Are Gross
I think most people without kids understand this in theory–kids
poop and pee and puke–but in practice . . . when you’re the parent, YOU are the
one cleaning up all of this (literal) shit. And not just when dealing with
diapers and potty training and the occasional tummy bug. Those are a given. But
like when your kid decides to take a dump on the floor. At the mall. (Or,
unfortunately for a friend of mine, in her hand, at the grocery store.) Or when
your kid decides she’s big enough to pee alone in the stall at Target but
forgets to take off her pants. Or when your kid works himself into such a
tantrum that he barfs up everything he has managed to consume from what seems
like the past 2 days.
These, my friends, will not be isolated incidents. Especially when
your kids are little. These shenanigans will happen often, if not daily. If
your kid has a proclivity for such behavior, you may even be dealing with this
stuff a few different times a day. That adds up to a shit-ton of shit. And
since you’re the one cleaning up all of this, you can bet your britches that
some of this crap will end up on you too. If you’re lucky, you’ll get just a
little on your hand. Although gross, easily fixed with some good hand hygiene.
If you’re unlucky, well, let’s just say you better hope you realize where the
smell that’s been following you all day is coming from before someone else
does.
And while we’re on the topic of kids doing gross things, I’d like
to put this fact out there: Kids eat their boogers. I think people like to
think only other people’s kids do this, but that’s not true. Every kid will at
some point in time eat boogers. You just want to hope it’s only their boogers
they’re eating. Your kid may try it just once, or it may develop into a habit
that lasts for a while. But it will happen. Same goes for ABC gum they find
stuck to the underside of a movie theater seat, or a cold half-eaten fry they
find on the floor of McDonald’s because, you know, they were still hungry. Dear
god, I wish I were making this stuff up.
#2: Kids Are Dirty
I only had a vague notion about kids and dirt before having my
own. I used to babysit a lot, so I knew about the messy face and hands after
eating, and even about the crumbs they left all over the table and floor. What
I did not know what that this dirt cannot be confined. It doesn’t matter how
often you wipe them down after eating or how often you vacuum in the wake of a
meal. You will find crumbs in bed (yours, theirs), crumbs in the carpet, crumbs
in the cracks of the couch, crumbs in their cracks. You will ask yourself, “How
in the world did crumbs get into the freaking tube of toothpaste?!” Like
actually into the tube. Kids are just crafty like that.
The crumbs will even multiply and migrate out into your car. Their
car seats (who am I kidding, your entire car) will forever be encrusted with
ground-up goldfish bits, rogue Cheerios, and broken pretzel sticks. Don’t be
too quick to clean out your car, though. This may prove useful on a long car
trip when you’ve forgotten snacks. “Oh, sorry kids, just dig around in the
cracks of your seat, I’m sure you’ll find something to tide you over.”
In addition to the crumbs you’ll find everywhere, EVERYTHING in
your house, including the kids, will be sticky. Toys, books, DVD cases, toilet
flusher thingies, faucets, door handles (especially the one on the
refrigerator), TV remotes, cabinets, tabletops, counter tops, your cell phone,
the cat. You’ll need to keep plenty of Windex on hand to wipe their
fingerprints off the mirrors and the TV screen. You’ll also need a lot of
towels to clean up all of the drinks they’ll spill. At. Every. Single. Meal.
Oh, and find a good laundry detergent. Preferably one that can handle the
different kinds of stains you’ll be trying to remove from your pants every time
you sit in something new and find your ass stuck to the couch.
#3: Kids Are Hoarders
Taking over the hearth, check.
You have kids, you’re gonna have toys. Everyone knows that. What I
wasn’t prepared for as a parent was having my entire house practically turn
into a toy store. A toy store that exploded. And then had all the toys copulate
and give birth to newer and newer generations of toys. Much like the crumbs
from the first post, this stuff can’t be contained. You’ll have toys
everywhere. Kids’ room, check. Living room, check. Dining room, check. Your
room, check. Kitchen, check. Bathroom, check. Stuffed in any drawer your kids
can find because they’re good hiding places, check.
Even if you don’t buy your kids too many toys, you can bet your
family and friends will. (And usually the kind that play loud, annoying music
or can be used to make a lot of noise. But, that’s another topic completely.
Love you family!) Not to mention all of the craptastic “toys” they’ll get from
those kids meals you swore you’d never feed them. The ones that always seem to
break 18.25 seconds into playing with them. The ones your kids go ballistic
over if, heaven forbid, they find them in the trash.
We used to have a dining table in here. Can you spot our china
cabinet?
And the more kids you have, the more bins and baskets and buckets
and shelving units to hold said bins and baskets and buckets you’ll be buying
to shove their toys in to. (Thank you, Ikea!) At first you’ll probably have
some type of sorting system for the toys. You’ll want all of the plastic food
to stay with the play kitchen, the gazillion trains and cars to stay together,
and all of Barbie’s effing little shoes and accessories in one place so that
when your kid is looking for things you know where to find them, hopefully
avoiding an epic meltdown. (“Mooooooooom-mmy, where is my blue car?! I need my
blue car! Not that blue car, the other blue car!” WTF?)
But eventually you’ll give up and just start throwing things in
whatever container has even a smidge of free space. “You will fit in
there!” Don’t feel bad about this. Just surrender; your sanity will thank
you, and it’ll be so much easier in the long run. Plus, once you let go, you’ll
find you’ll have more time to worry about other pressing issues. Like why the
hell your one eye keeps twitching like that.
#4: Kids Are Moochers
When it comes to eating, kids typically fall into two categories
— 1) those that eat anything and everything, and 2) those that eat hardly
anything. If you have more than one kid, you may even get lucky and have both!
Or your kid may fall into one category one month, day, or second and fall into
the second category another. (Actually, you can pretty much count on this.)
This makes for fun meal planning, I can assure you. *eyes rolling*
Regardless of which camp they fall into, all bets are off when
they see you with food. They are going to want to cozy up to you and
“share” whatever it is that you are eating. ”Can I have a bite? Can I have
a bite? Can I have a bite? Just one teeny bite?” For the love of Pete! And it
won’t even matter what it is that you are eating. “Begetables, mmmmm, I lub
begetables!” “Fish, I lub fish!” “Spicy, mmmmm, I lub spicy.”
If you actually want to eat your meal in its entirety, you have
two options. Option 1: If you know your kid likes the food you’re
trying to enjoy, DO NOT GIVE IN. I mean it, do not give him or her even just
one tiny bite. As much as they say they understand that they will only get one
bite and that’s going to be it, they’re lying. Always. Option 2:If you
know your kid does not like the food you’re trying to enjoy, do the opposite of
what I recommend in Option 1–give him or her a heaping forkful to nosh on. When
your kid realizes what you’re eating is just absolutely disgusting, he or she
will likely spit it out, right back on your plate, no doubt, and then go find something
else to do. Until he or she forgets and comes back begging for more
approximately 5 seconds later.
Sadly, this was not staged.
So I guess you’re just better off going with Option 1 in all
cases. Unless you want to avoid this scenario entirely and you hide out in the
kitchen (or bedroom or bathroom even) so that you can scarf down your meal in
peace!
And while I’ve focused on food here, please know that your
kids’ mooching knows no bounds. You should probably plan to stock up on
chap stick and deodorant and pens, too.
#5: Kids Don’t Sleep
When you want them to, that is. Everyone knows that new parents
usually get very little sleep until their baby is sleeping through the night.
(Those bags and dark circles under your eyes never completely go away, by the
way.) What I’m talking about here are deviations from your kids
“normal” sleep schedule once you think you have found a groove.
Like when your kid usually naps in the morning from 10-12, has been for oh,
say, the last 6 weeks, and then the day you actually have something planned
while your kid is asleep (maybe a conference call for work or, more likely,
your own nap) or something planned out of the house after your kid sleeps (say
a doctor’s appointment or play date), your kid says, “F you, morning nap!”
You wanted to go where? Zzzzzzzzzzz.
This results in you either 1) having to cancel what you had
planned to do when your kid was supposed to be asleep but is now awake and
probably incredibly whiney and clingy or 2) having to cancel what you had
planned for after your kid was supposed to be asleep because 1 minute prior to
you having to walk out the door you’ll find your kid, coat and shoes on,
slumped over on the couch, drooling, and fast asleep. And sorry if
you had something planned both before and after the nap was supposed to take
place. Your day is screwed.
It’s the same for morning wake up time. You can absolutely count
on your kids sleeping in on the mornings you have to be somewhere at a certain
time and then being up at the crack of dawn the mornings you could have
actually slept in. It always happens this way. Until it doesn’t. And then
you’ll have no idea when the hell you’re actually going to get any sleep
because you have no idea when the hell your kids are going to sleep. They like
to keep us on our toes like that.
I will tell you a secret, though: The one thing that absolutely
doesn’t change with kids, the one constant, the one thing you can always,
without a doubt predict . . . your kids will be unpredictable. Predictably
unpredictable.
#6: Kids Are Needy
So. Very. Needy. I mean let’s be honest. A newborn can’t do shit.
(Actually, that’s one of the things newborns can do quite well, but
you know what I mean.) They need to be fed, burped, changed, bathed, rolled
over, rolled back, rocked to sleep, picked up, put down, bounced, swaddled,
swayed, shushed. Parents with newborns are like zombies for a reason. But we
know this. Everyone warns new parents that the first few months will be hell.
But where was the warning that this neediness actually intensifies
as your kids get older? You’re not just fulfilling basic human needs anymore;
you’ve become a means to an end. ”Mommy, can you get me crackers?” “Daddy,
I need my pink shirt with the purple polka dots.” “Mommy, where is that
doll I was playing with the other day?” “Where’s my binky?” “Daddy, can you put
a show on for us? Yeah that one. Oh no, not this one. The other one. Oh wait,
the first one. Actually, where’s the one about the kid doing that thing with the
other kid?” “Mommy, I’m thirsty, I need a drink!” “Come wipe my butt.” ”I wanna
push the button!” ”I need a Band-Aid!” “Mommy, we want a different show.”
“Daddy, Mommy said to get us a snack.” “Where’s my blanket?” “Daddy? Daddy?
Daddy?” “Mammmmaaaaaaaaa!”
Yup, that about sums up the first 5 minutes the kids are
awake each day. But the kicker with all of this neediness is the timing. It is
a simple fact that your kids will never need anything while you are already up
or even when you ask them point-blank if they need anything. Nope. They’ll
suddenly need you right when you sit down to eat, or relax, or poop. Or the
second you get in the shower or are otherwise in the middle of doing anything
else but tending to them. When your kids are little, you can simply forget
about being able to poop alone or take a relaxing shower while they are awake.
#7: Kids Are (Too) Honest
How’s that? Don’t we want to raise honest kids? you ask. Oh
absolutely. Yes, we want our kids to fess up when they hit a sibling, or tell a
lie, or eat the last of the ever-loving Girl Scout cookies that you won’t be
able to get again for another year.
But until kids develop that internal filter that (most) adults
have and learn that some things shouldn’t be said out loud, you’re going to be
getting a whole lotta honesty you may not want. Some hypothetical (ahem) things
you might hear include:
§ Your
belly is squishy
§ Your legs
are hairy
§ Your
breath smells yucky
§ Your hair
is greasy
§ Your legs
are jiggly
§ You have
a boogie in your nose
§ You stink
§ Your
boobies are so big (“Big” is such a relative term, eh?)
Well, if you would leave me the frick alone for 20 effing minutes
I might be able to do something about all that! (Oh, who am I kidding,
you’ll probably need at least half a day to get all that shit under control.
But alas, I refer you back to #6, so the likelihood that you’ll actually have
even 5 minutes alone to do ANYTHING is slim to none.)
And don’t think your kids save all of this honesty just for you.
You can be sure they will tell you just how hairy or stinky or big your waiter
is one day when you are out to lunch. You will pretend you don’t hear anything.
Your kid will repeat him- or herself louder and louder each time until you are
forced to acknowledge the statement. You will start giving your kid “the
look.” Your kid will not understand this look and think you haven’t heard
what he or she is saying. Your kid will say it even louder. You will shush your
kid. Your kid will get upset and repeat him- or herself again, this time while
wailing. The waiter will have heard all of this.
#8: Kids Break Stuff
It’s inevitable. Your kids are going to break things. This is why
you don’t buy kids expensive crap. $1 toys are easier to replace than rare
antique collectibles. Even someone who knows nothing about kids will know this.
But kids don’t just break their stuff. There is no magic spell
that excludes your stuff from being destroyed as well. Cell phones will be
dropped in the toilet, eye glasses will be stepped on, couches will get colored
on with permanent markers, lights will be left on in the car draining your
battery, computer charging cords will get wrapped around the office chair and
wound up so tightly from all the spinning that they’ll fray and eventually
sever. And I don’t know any family with a complete set of dishes or glasses.
Most of the destruction will be accidental, mind you, but that won’t make the
replacements–should you decide to actually replace or repair your damaged
goods–any cheaper.
#9: Kids Hurt Themselves. A Lot.
I knew kids got occasional booboos, but I had no idea just how
often my kids would hurt themselves. It begins when they can start moving on
their own and doesn’t seem to end. They roll into things, fall off things, trip
over things, walk into things, choke on things, step on things. Kids are
freaking clumsy. Or they often don’t know any better. And don’t get me started
on all of the things they will do, intentionally and not, to hurt each other.
Thankfully, although you can absolutely count on your kids getting
hurt, most of these injuries will be ones that can be fixed with kisses and a
few (or 63) Band-Aids.
#10: Your Kids Are Worth All of It
You have no idea just how much you can love
another person until you have kids. It is the fiercest, most intense love you
can ever imagine. You will do everything in your power to protect your kids and
see that they never come to harm because you helped to create this fragile
life. You are responsible for this fragile life. You will understand what it
means to be selfless. You will sacrifice for your child. You will do the best
you can for your child. You would give your life for your child. You will
understand that even though all of the other things are true, having someone to
love and be loved unconditionally makes it all worth it.
_________________________________________________________________________________
It's as if Mackenzie took
the thoughts right out of my head!
Bravo!
Thank you!
All shits and giggles aside - Mackenzie's right - you truly have
no idea all that comes with having a child, until you have one. I would also add that the same would apply to
being pregnant and giving birth. There
is a long list of what you won’t quite understand until you experience it. Stuff I wish I would’ve known about
beforehand… Oh you know, like you won’t look like a supermodel after laboring
for a bazillion hours, pushing for 4, sweating like a pig, gushing blood like the red
sea, and throwing up on yourself… oh you know… all the shit they conveniently
forget to tell you! To read more on all of that loveliness, check out my blog
post here.
Mackenzie’s also right in that you won’t know just how much you can
love another person until you have a child. Until you are holding the
little person who used to kick you in your tummy, the little person you would play music for
to watch them jiggle around inside of you, or talk to and plan your life with - you won't know.
Until you meet the lil' booger that gave you endless heartburn, gas and
caused you a tiring 72 hours of labor (no joke), you won't quite understand how
maddening a child can make you. I'm not kidding - your love for this person can
be borderline crazy. You'd do anything for this person - anything. And no
matter what they do in life, you will love them unconditionally. They
grew inside of you. They look up at you and it's as if nothing in this
world will ever be more important. At least, that's how it is for me.
You will face so many changes (yes, your life truly does
change forever - it's not just cheesy advice), and that comes with its
share of highs and lows. You'll have to make sacrifices, your finances will
drive you bonkers (babies are expensive), you'll lose friendships,
your social life will suck for awhile (we are just staring to get ours back after two years), your perspective on life, love and how you want to live it - all of it will change, in some way, once you bring a
child into this world.
No one truly will get it like another parent, and I think
especially like another mother. I feel very fortunate.
Parents or not, I'm blessed with a great circle of friends. Some
have children, some are trying, some have no desire to ever have any. I
think I find comfort in knowing that I'm surrounded by people in my life who
are supportive, fun, and truly love my son. After Elijah was born, my
husband and I really discussed who we would want around him and the path we
wish to lead him down. That's that shift that occurs. You
never had to think about that before. You weren't responsible for someone
else's life - and everything that happens to him will somehow be a direct
result of your actions right now, in this moment.
That is definitely life changing.
But like Mackenzie said, it will be the best thing that has ever
happened to you.
There is nothing that can compare. <3
Hope you enjoyed Mackenzie's 10 points as much as I did!
 |
| Me with my beautiful son, Elijah. |
 |
| Kids love dirt! <3 |
 |
| He's such a good boy, always sharing! |
 |
| His smile is intoxicating! His laugh makes me melt! |
 |
| <3 #GoNiners |
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